The Woods

(Dark Forest by Ivan Shishkin)

So one when I started taking my major psychology classes in college, we had to write why we wanted to pursue psychology. We were going around the class saying our names and our interest in psychology. I said "Hi, my name is Jacob and I want to help people. When the person sitting next to me sank into his chair. He looked up and said, "My name is.... but I just want to learn more about psychology. When the professor prompted him what drove him to pursue psychology, the person just responded with, "I don't think anyone will really get it". The professor knew he felt he was uncomfortable and just moved on with the class. I became good friends with this person. Many days I would call him my friend, my enemy, the one that pushed me forward, the one that held me back, a good man, and a wicked boy. I always knew his story, I had one that was somewhat similar, but not as deep as his story. Why he really went into psychology. He was hungry for an answer that he finally found. His story is dark, but almost 4 years later he felt ready for me to write this post. I will be writing this from his perspective (first person). Just as a fair warning, this is pretty heavy. 

I was in a relationship with a girl that I really knew nothing about other than she was not the one for me. She cheated on her boyfriend with me, and after many rough days turned to rough weeks, she eventually became my girlfriend, We went out sometimes, and we would party to hard and end up with mistakes that we did not want to be into. Our relationship was built up on wicked thoughts, which lead us to fight a lot. I was tired of feeling bad for the things I was doing. I was addicted to her. I told myself she was bad for me, but I always needed my fix of her. Her empty promises left me feeling little. I loved her with all my heart, but she never loved me. I tried so hard for her, but you can never win a game that was rigged from the very beginning. I didn't want to do the things we were doing anymore, because I felt conviction. She told me that she understood, but I wasn't the only addicted. Instead of my addiction for her, she had an addiction for empty love. She found this love with her ex-boyfriend before me. She began to engage in an affair with him, but she wanted more. She began to engage with one of my brothers from the fraternity. There would be nights she would spend the night with him, but would tell me they did nothing, and she still wants to be with me. One night she wasn't answer her phone. I couldn't find her, but she was suppose to be over an hour ago. I went to my frat brother's house, and I rang the doorbell. She answered the door and yelled at me. Called me a stalker, and that if I didn't leave she was calling the police. I wish that was the end of this story. After Christmas break, she began to come back around. I fell back into this gutter of a life style. She continued the affair with her ex and my fraternity brother. I never knew, but I had my thoughts. She was kicked out of my house and she began to live with me. I spent almost every night on the couch. I would go back to La Grange on the weekends so I could actually sleep in a bed. I was slowly dwindling to nothing of a person. All my friends and my parents were worrying about me. So valentines was upon us and I went to my class. I was bored and I wanted to surprise her with some flowers. I pulled into the parking lot outside my apartment and I saw my frat brother's car parked. I walked up to my apartment and went through my door. I walked went to the door to my room which was closed. I closed my eyes and slowly turned the knob and opened the door. I am not really surprise when I walked into seeing her with him. They were both in my bed and just stared at me. I put down the flowers and I walked out the door, out of my apartment and out of the parking lot. I wanted to kill them I was so angry. I had to leave before I did damage. I waled so far. I began to walk for miles. My feet began to bled, yet I kept walking. As I walked I eventually came across a tree line. I notice the sun began to go down, I had been walking for hours, but I didn't care anymore, so I entered into the woods and just kept walking. The sun was setting, dusk was upon me. I sat on a stomp and in front of me stood a tree branch. It was a solid tree branch, one that could hold my body wait. The stomp I sat on could be rolled to get me up to the branch. Was this what suicide felt like? I didn't feel any different. I just didn't feel any need to be alive. I felt like I was nothing. So I rolled the stomp over to the branch, tied my belt around the tree and became I leveled with my little noose. I took a deep breath and broke down. How would my parents deal with this? I imagined them hearing that their son hung himself, but for what? Some girl that I saw as a drug? I stepped off the stomp and sat and began to cry. Darkness consumed me. I was alone. As I sat in complete blackness. I just sat and began to think of everything. I would want to just hang myself there, but I wasn't that selfish. As the night grew on, I began to slump over the stomp my face buried into my hands. I began to feel different. As if I wasn't alone. My eyes were not adjusting to the dark, as if the woods was becoming darker and darker. I really don't know how to describe the next part, but as I sat on this stomp I began to feel hands rest on my shoulders. Why didn't I panic. The fingers were long, as if they weren't human. Was this just my mind playing with me from the exhaustion of walking? Was this an angel or a demon? Was this the me that wanted to end everything? No, I couldn't do this, I couldn't kill myself. I began to panic. I finally began to feel afraid. The hands began to sit heavier and heavier on my shoulders. Whoever or whatever was behind be did not want me to leave.The fear of death answered my question if I wanted die in that forest. I had one objective after this realization. Get out of this forest. I began to run. I could not see anything, but I just kept running through the darkness. I could feel the long fingers grazing my back. I was horrified. It wanted me to go back to the tree, It wanted me to die. My feet hurt, I could feel them filling with blood. Tears in my eyes sweat through my body I closed my eyes and was about to fall, I accepted that I would be consumed by these trees that surrounded me. I was ready for this thing to drag me back into the abyss. I saw the tree line. I thought that maybe if I pushed a little father I could get out of the woods. With the last bit energy I had I kept forward. I didn't stop even though every second was harder than the one before. When you swim to the surface when you cannot breath. I reached the tree line. I fell and laid in the grass. I looked into the woods and I saw nothing but blackness. I stood up and wondered what was that in the woods? I managed to stumble to a stop sign with the name of the street. I managed to get one of my friends to find me and take me home. I slept for a long time. I remember sleeping on the couch and one of my roommates waking me up telling me that she wasn't sleeping over. I through away almost everything in my room I bought new sheets for my bed, and I actually slept in my bed for almost an entire day. I began to spend all my nights in the library. I was so curious how people could do the things they do? What was the thing that wanted me to die so bad in the forest? How to break addictions? I began to read every book in psychology. All the different fields of theories, beliefs, opinions were overwhelming. So you, Jacob, asked me if I ever answered those question. There is no answer. I don't think we were suppose to understand the human. I'm afraid that if we knew why humans did what they did, that we would lose what it means to be human all together. I can't read a book to understand the human race. We should be so unpredictable. That is the horrifying beauty of the human race. I went to the forest as a broken person, but I ran out of there hungry. Just because I know I cannot find my answers does not mean I will accept that fate. Jacob, I don't want you to think that I am abandoning our God. Our God never gave us what we wanted but the tools to create for him. Maybe God placed me here to find these great mysterious of the human race. I thank God everyday I left out of the forest, and even though I do not have the best life this is the life I chose. I still have my parents, my friends, and my love. Now you understand why I told the professor why I pursued psychology. Honestly, I don't think anyone will really get it.