You cannot (re)do.

(Early Childhood by Donald Zolan)

Things have really changed for me lately. Instead of writing about my theories of children movies or me complaining on me being in the dreadful friend zone from my last post, I have come to the conclusion that this post will just be literally what is on my mind for the time being (which isn't that the whole purpose of this blog?) This first month of 2014 hasn't been the smoothest since the last month of last year was quite eventful. December wasn't a good month. I would get into more detail, but lets be honest here, you, (the reader) are already dealing with my poor grammar rules, the last thing you want is me complaining about is how "awful" my life was the last month. The thing is that I have a wonderful life. I have a good paying job, wonderful friends, new group of people I am enjoying life with, and my path to my career is underway. I have one thing missing but I am not ready for that "thing" at this time, and yes I am going to make you wonder because I am so "mysterious". My life really has been based really on being provoked. Anything I really accomplished was to prove to everyone and myself that I could overcome of what I thought of myself. I don't have low self-esteem or depression, I am at a point where I am really not trying to prove anything to myself anymore. Not saying I don't have motivation because I have plenty of that, its just that I feel foolish of why I did the things I did which was to prove to someone that I was better than them. This somebody was different depending on what part of life I was at. I guess now I really do things is because I just want to for the sake of doing it. This springs up questions of what I have been doing to as "proving myself". 99 percent of the time the person was someone who did me wrong in some way, shape, or form. Rather it be a ex-girlfriend, bully, "friends", certain professor, just people that didn't really have faith in me to become more than just average, (and who would want that?) I guess lately I just have had an insight that those people really didn't care to see what I would have become in life. This really now changes things I do now on a daily basis. If I am still making any sense you are smarter than me. I guess this is just a introduction to how I have changed since my last past posts. For the last couple of years I switched to a psychology major to figure out why humans do the things they do. Unfortunately, I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no idea to a single thing about what it means to be human. With that being said I can say my eyes have been opened to see how different each person can actually be in life. I cannot put a person to a stereotype now and that there are millions of reason why that person is who they are today. I believe we should view things holistically. I suppose I always wanted to go back to normal before all these rough patches came into my life, but my past self was the reason I got into these situations. Was my past self really that great to begin with? I cannot redo what happened. Friedrich Nietzsche had a idea of Amor fati, which in Latin translates to "Love of Fate". I want to love life to its fullest. We can all agree that we are going to end up pretty bloody by the end of it, but that makes our happiness so much sweeter. I know this post is really just a rant of my thoughts at the moment, but I do want to leave with one thought. Do you want to go back to who you were? Do you want to move forward towards the unknown? Either way its better than sitting and doing nothing right? People actually can spend their whole life staying in one spot, not doing either. I sadly become bored very easily.