The Delusional

(Son of Man by René Magritte)

Couple of weeks back I was running errands in Fayetteville when I ran into one of my old flings. She was happy to see me and we did the typical small talk, asking each other how life has been and so on. After our awkward small talk, she walks away and turns around and says, "hope to see you soon". Of course, that night I went to her facebook (since I didn't have her number anymore) to message her to maybe grab dinner, coffee, or maybe see a movie to "catch up". As I sat on her facebook, I just stared at the empty message and saw the previous messages I had sent her. The message right above the one I sent was, "Hey it was good seeing you today, would you like to maybe meet up and talk more?" As I scrolled up, I notice I have sent her these messages before, and she either ignored them completely, or just made some poor excuse. After reading all these messages before I had a revelation. I've done this before. I've done this many times actually. I began to wonder, why did we stop talking in the first place? Why did we stop dating? I realized the vicious cycle I always put myself through when it came to this woman. We dated for sometime, but she was still hung up on her ex who got what he wanted from her and then left. I could rant about the how girls only like bad guys, blah blah blah, but we're not in high school anymore and we can't stereotype an entire gender because "the one" liked a guy that was more interesting than you. I hate to be blunt, but you the reader can agree with me on that one. Yes the guy she wanted just slept with her and left. She was crushed and he wasn't sorry. She always confined in me and found some comfort opening up her feelings on the subject. After a while, we started dating and things were pretty nice, but soon she ended it because she still wanted her ex boyfriend. At the time I was upset but I couldn't really blame her. After that we quit talking and went our own separate ways. She just wasn't ready for a relationship......with me. Couple of weeks after our split she started dating this guy, and they were together for couple of months until once again, she comes up to me and begins to explain how he was a "bad boy". She explained that all he wanted to do was sleep with her and after he got bored, broke up with her and moved on. She fell into the same trap. She went for the same type of guy, the problem was is that everyone knew this was going to happen. The problem of the matter is that at this very moment she is with a guy just like the first two she was with, and most likely will call me very soon. Its a really sad to say but the true misery of it all is that I am right on this thing. I have many friends, both men and women that tell me things that they clearly should have saw from the very beginning. Really? Did you honestly think he/she would change, that the guy/girl in the beginning of the relationship would suddenly open his/her eyes and finally treat you the way you wanted them to do at the very beginning? I hope I am not being to harsh because I want to be honest and say that I am just as bad as everyone in these situations. The whole point of me bringing up the facebook message was to show that even though I was completely ignored by this person, I still wanted to message her. I had this false image that maybe this time she will give me a chance, just as she thought that maybe this time, the guy I am with will not treat me like and object. All she wanted was advice from me, all the "bad" boys wanted was sex from her. Do you see the connection? Let me make it clear that the way she was treating me was nowhere as bad as the guys treated her. It is a real tragedy, and whoever is reading this can probably name one person they know in this type of situation. I am willing to admit that I usually go for girls that have problems with an ex-boyfriend. Someone that really messed them up in the head someway shape or form. I guess I unconsciously am trying to be with them so I could be "the hero". It always ends up with them not ready for a relationship, but the next guy they do get with usually will hurt them just as bad. I know this sounds like I want them to get hurt, but I would never wish that upon anyone. The reason why I say it is because its happen to many of my friends and I hate that. I want to break the constant cycle I am in at this moment. I know if I am counseling women who are in abusive relationships, I can understand why they always go back to the abusive husbands, because maybe this time they will change. As of right now though I know the first person that needs to stop this constant cycle is myself. I need to stop always going for a girl that clearly made her decision of a relationship with me a long time ago and move forward. I am tired of living in a delusion that has really held me back to grow as a person. I really do believe we can break these cycles we get ourselves into throughout our lives. So as I sat looking at the empty message, I just turned off my laptop and went to bed. I knew what the response would be if I sent that message. The real shame is that I always knew what the response would have been, I just never believed it.