Reflect

(Stapleton Park near Pontefract by John Atkinson Grimshaw )

I guess I can start with telling you, the reader, this is just a rant. A lot has been on my mind lately and I can't seem to shake them off. I know once you read this you will have some grand questions and answers for me which I am really looking forward to hear. I want to hear them all. Not only ones that sound good, or look pretty on the surface. I am having struggles on the definition of friends. I don't know why I put so much into my friends. I always love having friends because I hate being alone, but recently some friends haven't really been there. Unfortunately, it isn't one person in particular. Lately, I have just felt as if people are letting me down, or I am letting people down. I feel like I can't say what one person is doing wrong because as soon as I tell them, they will point out a flaw in myself. I didn't point out what you were doing was wrong to hurt you, but to do the exact opposite, which was to help you. You can't say the same when the only time you bring it up is when you are feeling hurt and in the corner. It doesn't really matter though. No matter what I say you are going to still do what you were going to do before we ever talked. Makes me question of how strong of a counselor I can be if the professional advice I give will never be put into use. I know I sound very cocky, but that is truth. I try to use logic in my reasoning. This blog is even called, "Jacob Gunter's Logic" I mean wouldn't you think that the evidence I give my friends that the things they are doing is wrong would help them stop? I don't blame them though. I'm a hypocrite. Why exactly do I go for the girls that aren't ready for a relationships? That have given me ten times as many reason to not be their friend, and yet as soon as they need me I am right next to them giving them everything they need, but as soon as I need them they are nowhere. I'm not trying to say that girls are evil, but I am saying I should have known better. This isn't a rant of how I can't get a girl either. Many girls I know would love to date me, and my life would probably be a lot better from it, but I just can't have feelings for them. I don't want them to be mad at me for it, so therefore I can't be mad at the girls that can't have feelings for me either. I don't know why I keep constantly going for the girl that told me no. I always still want to be their friend, with the constant hope that maybe we can finally be together! Really? Am I that delusional? Did I honestly think that suddenly her no would magically turn into a yes just because I kept nagging her, and the only way she would spend time with me is having this false image of us being, "just friends"? I always thought, "what did I do wrong" every time she said no again, but you can't expect to win the girl when the game was rigged from the start. Now I know someone will probably tell me that life isn't a game and certain feats in our life shouldn't be viewed as a game. Well every game has two things, a winner, and a loser. Tell me that most of your life you felt like a winner and/or a loser. I always feel like a loser when I am around some of my friends. They never really bring me up, which of course, that isn't their job, but I also do feel a little more judged when I leave them. I mean, I understand that sometimes I'm not the most pleasant guy to be around, and that my sarcasm can come across as rude and insulting, but you knew who I was before we were friends. There was no big surprise that I suddenly change and now I am this completely different person. Out of all the people I have to walk on eggshells for you would think that the last people would be the ones I spend most of my time with, but its the exact opposite. They are suddenly shocked that when I speak up that what they are doing is wrong, and instead of just putting into thought, they panic, they think of a mistake I have made, and they throw it in my face. A mistake that I fixed long ago. It feels like we have these knives behind our backs that we have just in case someone dare tries to tell us what we are doing is wrong so that we can quickly turn the tide so that once again, we can pretend what we are doing is okay, even though we know its not. We try to justify our wrong doings. "But Jacob I love him", "Gunther, it was just one fix", "Its okay if everyone is doing it." Can just for once we say "what I did was wrong" I try to hold my tongue now, which a lot of people can agree that I am not very good at it. So my main struggle is that I can't talk to my friend because I am just as bad. So I guess before trying to help friends I just need to help myself. First I need to admit what I did was wrong, not to you the reader, but to myself, no more trying to justify the wrong choices in my life. I have used and hurt many people, I have been called heart breaker, manipulator, and a liar. Everyone of those names I have been once or twice in my life. I need to tell them my own mistakes so they don't make the same ones. They can't throw my faults in my face I already admitted my wrongs and that they don't need to repeat them, they can't tell me what I did was wrong I already said it. Second, I need to hold my tongue. They are just going to go make the stupid mistake and get crushed by it. Ya, that does sound awful, but that was going to be the outcome, rather me saying they shouldn't do it or not. Third, I need to love my friend for who they are and not what I want them to be to me. Many of my friends I sat to a higher level because of my feeling towards them were more than friends. I got mad at them as if they were my girlfriend, but they weren't, they were just friends, and I should have known better than to expect that to change. Every relationship I have been in, I wasn't their best friend. I didn't hang out with them just as friends. Why was I expecting that from my friends? I know we always hear about the dreaded friendzone, but I honestly got in the friendzone myself. I put myself in the friendzone, and stupid me always asked, "why did this happen"? Well if you treat her like a friend, hang out with her like a friend, talk to her like a friend, why did you ever think she was going to be more than a friend to you? I feel like we just cracked the biggest case in our life, even though it was in our face the entire time. I hope this crazy talk makes some sense. When I started typing this I was feeling down and now I feel somewhat relaxed from it. I will put money down that someone will read this and message me, "Are you depressed?" No, I am not depressed. I am perfectly fine, and I just wanted to get this off my chest. I have some big questions to answer, and I know I will find them, I know I will find my path in life, I know I will find a wonderful wife who supports me just as I will support her, I know I will have a beautiful family. I just know at this moment I just hit sludge, but it ran its course and now I keep forward. I don't dwell much on the bad stuff, because in the end, does it really matter?