The Foreground

(A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte by Georges Seurat)

This post was a long time coming. Always just a blank post , ready to type. I had to go pretty low to get to this point. I am having a bit of an identity crisis. I have a lot of people in my life, and with them, comes the titles they give me. They would call me friend, mentor, leader, follower, lover, kind, caring, funny, role model, manipulator, liar,  user, destroyer, monster, crazy, insane, and evil. Sadly, I've heard both sides of the spectrum by some of the closest people in my life. I sometimes begin to wonder. Who am I? Everything was going so right in my life just a couple of months back, and then everything fell on top of me, and no one made it out without a scratch. I made a mistake, a very bad mistake, which led to me to almost losing a lot of people that I love. Sadly, I did lose one of my best friends. I'll just be honest with you, it was really tough having to face my consequences. I got what I deserved, but it didn't change anything. I still woke up, went to work, and went on with life, but now I was bitter. I was full of so much anger, and hatred towards myself and to other people that all my thoughts were deviant. Of course, that wouldn't fix anything either. I just couldn't forgive myself and the wrong that was done. I wanted revenge for all the wrong that was done to me. What would that have solved? I wanted destruction, but then I realized that this would be in vain to who I am, or at least who I want to be as a person. If I went down this path, I would just prove those titles. I had to let go. You probably understand why this is so difficult for me. I was so hurt that my path was no longer following what my God wanted for me. I want to help the people, yet what I wanted was the complete opposite. Could you really blame me? I'm sorry I am being so cryptic, I don't want to break anymore trust with people. I just don't understand this punishment we use on each other. As if we have some righteous hand to put down people. That is what I had to figure out for myself. This bitter revenge would have no purpose. It doesn't matter what people, "deserve", or who is to take "blame". At the end of the day, we go on with our lives. We are humans, yet we always try to be more than that. I believe it is possible when it comes to forgiveness. To go beyond basic human nature and actually be someone that looks past wrong doing, and still love that person. This could be very difficult, but not impossible. So I guess this post is really just a reflection to how I have felt the last couple of weeks since graduation. This isn't a declaration to some new and improve Jacob, but the setting of a foreground. The foreground that has always been open for me. All I had to do was walk through. I need to forgive myself, and to the people in my life. Instead of seeking for destruction, I want to love the people. I need to let go of this hatred that sat deep in my heart. I need to take a breath and look forward. I finally graduated and have my dream job of helping children. I am entering into a field that needs people that can help these kids, but before I can do that I have to accept who I am and who I will become.