The White Knight Complex

(Knight Painting by Leighton)

Due to the popularity of my last post, I decided that I will keep posting on these type of topics that are more reflected on people around my age. With that being said, I am sure all my readers can reflect on these topics in one way or another.

As almost everyone has had throughout their life, I have had people that I would find attractive. People that we like are known as crushes. So when I would have a crush on someone in my school, my main focus was to make sure that the girl never knew that I liked her, and that maybe she would randomly approach me and some how we would be boyfriend and girlfriend. Well, that would never work so as I was going into high school, I had to think of someway for the girl to like me. Now this is out on a limb, but I would talk to her, and treat her with respect. Sometimes my crush still would not like me, due to her going for someone I deemed a "bad guy". Every time I had my heartbroken, my friends would say the phrase that would cheer me up. "Nice guy finish last". I never did change my moral code to how to treat people, and after  a while I was able to date and have many types of relationships that shaped me to who I am today, and for that I am grateful. Now when I was able to meet and date someone, I always had a fine line between a gentleman, and just a kind person. What does that mean? I think in the post, I want to discuss the white knight complex that young men may experience in their lives. Now I live in the south, and the "southern gentlemen" mindset is still very important, which is a good thing, but I always wondered if someone can be too nice. 

What is the white knight complex? White knight is defined as a person or thing that comes to someone's aid. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? I mean who wouldn't want to have someone come to your aid in a time of need? I mean this is even biblical with Psalms 1:1-6 

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous

(Now to the ladies that are reading this that do not like compliments, do not worry, I am going to just rant a little more from my side and then I will defend why some women do not want to be complimented.) So I know what you are thinking, whats the problem? Well as I have grown up throughout my life, I have noticed that some people do not want a complete white knight. When I would date or was in a relationship with someone, I would always love to complement them. I just love to let someone know their self worth, and I did not compliment for it being my "duty" I did it because I liked doing it. Well, some women that I dated did not appreciate me complimenting them. They would not believe me and in some cases. There would be no way for me to prove it. I felt pretty powerless in the whole thing. When I started college, I would compliment my girlfriend, and she would become frustrated, yet if another guy complimented her, than she would feel so good about herself and be happy someone would say something so nice to her. Other times I would express my feelings to my girlfriend through words, yet she would not feel good enough unless she watched blog posts, videos, or random Facebook comments. How irritating is it that due to my relationship to someone, that my words are not appeared to be sincere. In these situations, I would feel as if I would make her happy to not compliment her, yet felt that I was failing to express my feelings and emotions to her by not telling her how happy she made me feel. Now what is a guy to do in this situation. Well, I don't know. I am not going to say all women do not like compliments, because if I base the entire female race based on some subjective experiences in my life, than my opinion will be more prone to be bias. I am also not going to say to the girls that do not like compliments due to the same reason for everyone. With that being said, I would want to take a crack at figuring out why some women, but maybe even guys, do not like to be complimented.

The Pedestal 

So the first reason why I believe that some women may not like to being complimented, is due to feeling as if they were being placed on pedestal. One of my friends that I use to like actually gave me her reason why she didn't like being complimented was due to feeling as if she was being placed to a higher standard. She expressed when someone would compliment her, she would feel as if she was held to a higher expectation. She expressed that this would make her feel anxious due to fearing that if she made a mistake, that her consequences would be more serve than anyone else. I can see some logic to all of this. Always being praised could put the pressure on anyone who felt that they were suppose to be better than anyone else.

The Duty

Another big issue to all of this the theory that someone would treat someone special was because of the belief that it is their duty to treat her that way. So I read a popular blog from an author discussing how the way for women to have self worth is for a man to treat her as a gentleman. Lets first make it clear that to find self worth is not through someone else, but the author made this sound as if that as a man it is my duty to compliment and become chivalrous towards my significant other. I open the door for someone because I wanted to be nice to them, I was not trying to make her more self worth in anyways. I know that may sound heartless, but if someone needs someone to make them happy, then a lot of issues can come about when the person fails to make the other have self worth (another post for another time). I always made whoever I am with that I do nice things because I want to and that is it. I feel that being nice should not be just for your significant, but to everyone in your community. I think all of the compliments and being a gentleman is genuine when expecting nothing in return from your actions.

The Status

This issue in a nutshell,"Jake, you're just saying this because you're my boyfriend". Have you ever heard of the (crazy) conundrum? If you call someone crazy, anything they say after that will not be taken into consideration due to the assumption that they are just crazy. Can you see how this is similar in some way? This can also be turned around with girlfriends saying or doing something out of kindness, and the other can only assume they are doing this because of the relationship status. This is similar to the duty, but the difference is that the person receiving the kind acts are just assuming that they are suppose to happen. This can really begin to cause problems when someone feels that the acts of kindness are not genuine. 

The Favor

This is someone doing something kind to expect to get something out of it. One time I was sitting in the break room, and someone received flowers for valentines day. She just rolled her eyes and just responded with, "he probably just wants to get "some" tonight". Did her husband just want some? I guess we will never know, but I think that's the real issue to all of this is thinking that he was doing being a gentleman just for his own self benefit. I am actually going to defend most cases of chivalry to be in this case by just witnessing this stuff, rather it be buying a gift to ignore a fight, being able to have a day with friends, or being a gentleman just to be more intimate with their significant other. Do you see how this can be a serve problem when someone does something nice, just for the assumption they expect something in return? 

The Broken Record

So I'm not perfect in anyway. This is one of the biggest reasons why I am stuck in this issue too. I love telling my significant other how I feel about them. Well I say it a little too much. I would tell my girlfriend how wonderful, beautiful, and other sappy stuff almost everyday, and I meant every word of it. That was the problem. I said it all the time, that overtime that warm fuzzy feeling began to fade. Telling someone they are wonderful the first time may be different feeling than the millionth time. With that being said, don't stop expressing how you feel, but maybe a little mystery of how the person is feeling is good too. Right?

I know there are probably other reasons why someone may not like someone being a gentleman, and honestly that is perfectly fine. I guess the only advice is to not take every person that is kind to you to have the same motive as someone before them. I love being a gentleman to people, it was just how I was raised. If someone doesn't like the way you act, don't say "nice guys finish last", just admit that this person may not be the one for you. When someone does something nice for me I give them the benefit of the doubt, and honestly, this just makes things better if you can really feel that these acts are genuine. As always I am open to hear different perspectives on this topic. Thanks for reading!