"Who Watches the Watchmen?"
- … I know
the plan that my friends always advise me to adopt:
"Bolt her in, constrain her!" But who can watch
the watchmen? They keep quiet about the girl's
secrets and get her as their payment; everyone hushes it up. - Hello everyone. This is really just another update video into what is going on with me and my life at the moment. A lot of stuff has happen recently and I feel that a good way to express myself is through my writing. I hope all my readers are doing good and thank you for reading my blog! Ever since the Dear Elizabeth series, I wasn't sure what to write about next, but I think this could be a good intro to a knew part of my writing. So this isn't my first writing of how I am feeling, and it most certainly will not be my last. I think I need to redefine myself. These last couple of months It appears that I may have begin to lose what my calling is in my life. I feel that God was calling me to help the people, and I believe I forgot to really check myself. I feel that I became so consumed by other people that I may have forgot to check to see how I was doing for myself am in no way thinking of myself as a great person or anything in that sense. I clearly have problems, and that is really the reason why I am writing this post. I haven't wrote a post like this since the foreground last May, and honestly, I think it is time for another "check up" So I am still working with trouble youth, and I absolutely love working there. Hearing the stories and what these kids have overcome is sobering, and making some impact is rewarding in itself. Of course, I think my main issues is my life outside my job. I feel that all my care and empathy goes to work, that I feel that I become a bit cold blooded with the people close to me. I seem to become more crude, harsh, and just an overall jerk. I think this has finally hit me when I lost someone very close, and I think it is finally hitting me. I feel that I look in the mirror and I am beginning to lose myself. The old me would not be such a vile person to his friends. I will admit, that I have lost a lot of friends since this time last year. Some of them I honestly miss, they were good people and I always hope for the best for them. I begin to wonder if it was my doing as well. I mean, people grow apart and some of them was not on the best terms, and it finally hit me that it was because of my actions. I'm not that person. I'm not the person that loses friends for being awful to them. I'm not the person that would hurt someone, that would break promises. I think that is what exactly what happened though, I think all the good I did went to my head, which made me think I had a "treat people like trash" free card. I guess whenever someone pointed my flaws, I just pushed it aside, and filled my brain thinking that "I'm a good person because I help children", but I wasn't, I felt that I could do what others couldn't which made me look as if I was corrupted. I don't want to be that. Now this post is not a pity post to get people to feel sorry for me. I want to overcome this, and that is the reason why I posted this quote at the top. "Who Watches the Watchmen?" I have really been analyzing this literature and the context, and what I could interpret was the philosophy of power. I may think that I am better because of my profession, but maybe I need to understand that I have problems too. I may help children, but who helps me? I think that nails it on the head on what I need to focus on in the future. That I too need someone in my life to keep me in check. That I am in no way perfect, and that there was no reason for me to treat the people close to me the way I did. I am not perfect, and I think that is the most liberating phrase I need to tell myself. I hope I can do right to the people I did wrong, and I think this time forward, I need to understand what I was called on this earth by My God. To serve the people. Thank you guys so much for reading this post! I also have a Youtube channel that you should check out if you are into video games and some story telling. Also, nothing is set in stone, but may be working on a short film of Dear Elizabeth. I'm sorry this is just another rant video, but I feel that this was something I needed to get off my chest. Like always, feel free to leave feedback if you would like. I guess I will always say the phrase if I feel that I am above anyone, "Who Watches the Watchmen?"
(Night Watch by Rembrandt)
I started noticing the slight changes in your behavior around November/December and honestly, I've come to prefer you this way. I like this Jake who swears more, tells people what he really thinks because that's the Jake I knew in high school. The friends no longer there are the ones with high opinions of themselves who you've sheltered with your friendship when they didn't deserve it and they themselves needed a dose of reality. When you don't put your friendships under a magnifying glass and the relationships are only going one way, your emotions get trampled on, you break down, and you cut people off. This has happened to me several times before and I think you've reached that breaking point with some people, now especially because of how sobering working with kids who have such terrible problems, you can see how petty and unimportant your middle class friends' problems are. That's just my opinion because there's no way I can truly see inside your head because our brains all work so differently, but I just want you to know that no matter how you change, you will always have a core group of friends who care about your well being, your mental, your relationships. To me, you will always be the man with very few opinions who can find common ground on anything between people with disagreements. Learn to embrace who you are. Don't worry about the people you shed on your life journey because if they can't accept you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best. And ultimately, the people you no longer see may be figuring out their own problems and may eventually come back to you. This happened with our friendship and we were eventually on good terms again. We both thought we were in the right and I put myself in a place of judgment but eventually I had to ask myself, does it really matter? No it didn't, and I was better off being your friend and I'm glad I am still.
ReplyDeleteI thought I would never hear from you again my friend! Thank you for your input. I hope you are doing well and that we can talk face to face.
ReplyDeleteIf you are in Carrollton or Fayetteville I would really like to meet in person and I promise not to tell anyone
ReplyDelete